Diary of a Suicide

Hi my name is Kannon but I mostly go by Kano. I thought I would start by telling whoever is reading this that I am no writer nor am I insane, but I do come off as it. Although I have lived only 15 years but only 8 of those years I can remember, it hasn’t been great. I mean yeah, life has its ups and downs but my usually just has it downs. I always expected life to go like a movie basically, but mine is more like a tragedy movies that never stop. Maybe I am exaggerating, I am sure there are those kids who live in Africa who grew up on the fear of being killed or raped. But being tormented emotionally can be worse than physical pain altogether. I am not emo or suicidal, just broken. First let’s start off with what happened before I was born. I have 2 grandpas and a total of 4 grandmas, 2 legit grandmas and 2 step. My mom’s dad was a lawyer and was the most respected man around, not only because of his accomplishments as a lawyer but because he was a great guy. His wife, or my grandma (my mom’s mom) and had 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls. My grandpa and grandma got divorced and my grandpa got re-married twice. To a narcissistic bitch is only way to describe, I mean really I couldn’t even hug let alone call her ‘grandma’ because she thought it made her sound old. The second was a self-centered spoiled brat living off her daddy’s trust fund, but between the two the brat was the best and the nicest to me so maybe a calling her a brat is a little harsh. My dad’s dad married a quietly mean woman who never was nice to me, although I only met her about 3 times out my ‘8 years’. They had 8 kids, 4 girls and 4 boys. In my opinion, my dad’s child life wasn’t a walk in the park. He was a boy who had to work every day for schooling, I know the limits of spoiled, and expecting you parents to pay for middle and high school isn’t that bratty. His brothers and sisters are nice but I have to say of all I met my aunt J (keeping her name private) was the best. She listened and never judged me, you can ask my sister and she’ll say the same. She treated us like we were special and amazing kids; I guess a little attention can go a long way. Now that you have my family’s background, I would just like to say I never met my 2 grandpas and one grandma. My dad’s dad had chewed tobacco and was diagnosed with jaw cancer. They basically tore apart his jaw to get rid of it leaving him scarred. He went through kimo and learned that the tumors spread and he needs more ‘treatment’. He then decided that he would stop kimo and live the rest of his life without suffering. After, getting off kimo, my other grandpa died. Yeah, I know I said my other grandpa. Although he seemed fine he died of a heart attack due to his extreme asthma (I can’t remember how asthma relates to it but just read). He was driving his car and passed a tree and died instantly. I mention the tree because I have visited this tree before and it is very sad. A couple months later my other grandpa joined him in heaven. My grandma (mom’s mom) smoked and had severe asthma also. She quit but she had to take medicine for it because her lungs were so badly damaged. Her doctor took her off her medicine and killed her because of it. My other grandma died a year ago of Alzheimer’s a little tragic but, as cold as it sounds, I never mourned her death because I never knew her well enough. Now that you know all of that genealogy, on to my family tree, I have one sister and mom and dad. I will mention beforehand I never knew my dad until the past 2 years; in fact I hated my dad, he never I guess to say ‘accepted me’. I wasn’t gay, nor did I not want to play sports so I never understood why he picked on me, maybe it was tough love, but I found out why and we will get to that later. First off, I would like to say my mom is a big hypocrite and is just over the line of mentally stable. My sister is the same but is at the bottom of the chart of mentally stable, I swear if you get her a little mad she’ll at the least stab you (exaggerating). So I guess why I am writing this is to tell you the points in my life that pretty much left me broken. My first point, my mom and dad fought, not normally but badly and no cool downs in between. My mom loved to attack, but her insults were horrible and she knew this, so instead of not fighting altogether, she through low blows and said some really mean things. If you get me really angry I can develop the same trait. Anyway, the reason my dad was never nice and always picked on me was because my mom made him miserable. My dad made my mom miserable. Think they were so different that they didn’t match? No, it’s because, my mom is a retarded version of my dad and my dad is a calmer version of my mom. They are the same. One day I remember watching tv in my parents room, I was lying down and kind of chilling. My dad barges in and starts yelling at me for stupid things. Like “did you brush your teeth” or “did you clean your room”, pretty much all questions I answered yes to. This angered my dad more I didn’t know this though because I was only 7 at the time. He then picked up my legs and spanked my. Yeah, I know every kid gets spanked, but why did I? I mean I was watching tv not breaking anything. Now let’s skip about a couple years, my second point in life; 6/7^th grade. This is when my downs start to happen. I switched schools and I only knew one person and he wasn’t exactly the nicest person in the world. I knew no one and each day I got made fun of because I was new. I mean really, my friend made into ‘popular land’ I chilled by myself trying to fit in. I got injured a lot during 6 and 7^th grade. Cut my arm really bad, broke both legs and each time, I had surgery each time, it sucked but I have to say it’s the only time my parents never fought. My seventh grade year was pretty much the same but I didn’t get made fun enough. Except, I gained 3 new friends and one I fell in love with (not that I think it was real love but possibly an extreme like) these 2 girls were in 8^th grade at the time. Anyway it was me, her friend and a guy who knew them both, so I must say that I had it pretty well for about 2 weeks. My friend also hung out with both of them sometimes. Now a side not, my friend who was in 6^th grade is pretty much a douche but everyone liked him especially the chicks. Now, you can pretty much ask anyone but I guess you can say I was really quiet in 7^th grade, I never talked much, but I talked so much to this girl, let’s call her Alanna. Then I was happy for 3 days and I was so happy that I even remember it was on Nov. 22, Alanna said she liked me. We went skating with her, her cousin and two other friends. At the end I asked her out (honestly she was the only one I wanted to date), she said no, but we were still friends. Of course, her friend started to get annoyed with me because I talked Alanna more than her and to add on top of that she didn’t like my friend because they just broke up. Alanna then talked to me only on the phone, and never at school. Alanna fell for one of my cousins friends. He was cool but it didn’t last long, so then of course Alanna fell for another guy. Now I wouldn’t call him a bully, but he was a dick. He would slap me in front of Alanna and her friend so he could look cool. So I ask you, what guy slaps? Anyhow, I was devastated. This guy was ugly, so ugly a GUY would call him ugly and trust me; you have to be pretty damn ugly in order for that to happen. But then they broke up. Then the worst happened. My best friend fell for Alanna and Alanna fell for him also. My friend even came to school the next day and told me. Of course, not over the whole ugly guy deal, my friend called me and asked if he could hook up with her. I said “Yes” at first, then quickly said “No”. He understood and we said goodbye. So now that you know the beginning, I’ll tell you the start of my downward spiral in life, let’s go forward a couple months. I had heard my friend made out with her but, he denied it and wanting to believe it too, so did I. I had it rough because then I started to get made of again and my parents just got divorced. Now the whole divorce problem still goes on today….AFTER TWO YEARS! Ready to hear it? I was making a sandwich for me and my dad, we just had gotten home from getting supplies, and I was done and sat there eating. My sister went into my parents room and fell asleep with the door locked. Now, my dad had a thing about locking doors, so he slammed on the door telling my sister to get out of the room. She, being as crazy as she is, yelled back so it started from there, somehow along the way, my mom got involved, and I sat there, eating my sandwich. My dad sat down, and I handed him a piece of the sandwich. We sat there listening to my mom and sister scream at each other. It ended my dad forcing my sister to sit in a chair in the living room, and my mom to come eat with us. Now, my mom being a doctor said the worst thing imaginable,”Do I need to prescribe you medicine to you can me stable?”… My sister flipped. So I sat there eating, while my mom and sister and dad fought. My mom then said the second worst thing you can say to anyone, “I want a divorce!” I had just gone to a friend’s house and then went to another friend’s house after, it was really fun. I got a call on my mom and asked if she could take my clothes to me since I hadn’t had clean clothes. She came with my sister and was crying. “What’s the matter?” I asked, “I got served this morning at work Kano, me and your dad are getting a divorce...” I have to say that I wasn’t sad but shocked. Usually my dad isn’t one to make rash decisions, but I could see why he made his choice. So to make 2 years short my mom changed, big time, kissing my dad’s ass and being a total bitch to me and my sister. After being unsuccessful, she then claimed my dad cheated on her with his secretary. I stood up for him, and I think he appreciated that. But, then he did something that made me feel like an idiot and made me lose respect for my dad. He wanted to date Nicole. I wanted to know but, I could never get the courage to ask him, if you were accused of cheating on this woman and claim you didn’t, why would you date her? So then it went like this for 2 years, my sister beating on me and my dad, my mom being crazy and being a total bitch to me for believing my dad. My 8^th grade year as okay, nothing special, I met new people but, I never did anything special. Over the summer me and Alanna started talking (we talked throughout my 8^th grade year she was dating the guy I never thought it would work out with) she had just broken up with her long time boyfriend, and was sad. I talked to her for awhile and I thought she liked me so I asked her out, she said no…again. We ended up getting into a fight and stopped talking. So I then went on to be a freshman, and I had a couple epiphanies over my summer break all relating to being myself. I became moderately liked at my high school. It went well and Alanna and I made up, I have to be honest it was my fault even though I blamed her. So then we were friends. This is my final chapter in my life that is making write this story today, the point that drove me over the edge to uncertainty and misery. Our relationship started to become worse and worse, I was jealous of her trying to get with guys, she was mad I was jealous. I would stay stuff like ‘How’s Ian?’ and it made her mad. I was totally oblivious to the relationship getting bad, so I still tried to talk to her. One day, I jokingly said “Alanna, we should see other people, this relationship is too tense.” Alanna looked mad but, in her eyes I could tell she found it just a little amusing. Now, her new friend whom I have never met in my life, was getting pissy and flipping out at me and I keenly responded “What makes you think you’re in this conversation?” I get the feeling that her friends don’t like me very much. So then, I went to a football game usually because they’re fun. I realize now that it was 3 things that made me so broked. One is, I never really thought about it till now but I didn’t have any friends, I mean real friends. I liked The Beatles’ song “A little help from my friends” but….I never really had friends. I arrived to meet my friend (the one I met Alanna and her friend with not the one who kissed Alanna) and he was standing with all the sophomores. I took a spot to stand on a bleacher next to, well you’ll never guess who but, it was Alanna. I was happy and said hi and tried to hug but she spaced me out and didn’t hug me back. I then took off and tried find other friends. The second thing was, I liked a girl (aside from Alanna) and I tried to hang out with her and I did but, another guy showed up and we walked around. I saw some other people I knew and I talked to them and then quickly caught up but her friend pulled me and said “Let’s go this way, they want to make out.” I wasn’t really devastated just kind of sad that I got rejected, even by my friends who would lose me when we walked around. Now after all my whining you’ll hear the last part of my story the third and final part. I decided to go and join my friends, they had switched where they were standing and we watched the game, Alanna was about to bleacher rows in front of me. After about 10 minutes and I yelled, “Alanna!” and she turned around. I said “Hey do I..?” I was cut off because she turned around so I yelled again, “Alanna!” and she turned once more, but this time she yelled “WHAT?!” her friend joined in again, by the way this is the second time I ever met this chick, and asked “Do I at least get a goodbye?” her friend flipped out, she said a lot but, I couldn’t hear because the tea, just scored a point and it got loud. She grabbed a popular guy, he was a junior I think, I met him once before and he was cool. She pushed the crowd in front of me away and pointed at me and the guy looked from her to me. I said “Sup Mike.” He said “Sup” in return. Her friend started yelling at me and I don’t know what in my face made her do what she did but, I guess it made her realize something, because she stopped abruptly and turned around. She then later turned around and apologized for being a ‘bitch’ and that she wanted me to leave her friend alone. So here I am, writing this story your reading. I know that I whine a lot and have been told that I am annoying and I know I am not the hottest guy out there, but why do bad things constantly happen. Like I said, I am not emo, just broken.

I would just like to add that I have changed names except for my own due to private reasons (and that it will make me look like an all out creep)